Monthly Archives: October 2008

الخيرة فيما اختاره الله

Well, I met with the neurosurgeon on Monday to discuss the MRI I had done for my spine. He confirmed my suspicion that I indeed suffer from a prolapsed intervertebral disc between L4 and L5 compressing the spinal cord which is the reason for the low back pain I’ve been having for over a month now.

Apparently, becoming a surgeon as I once hoped I would be is no longer foreseeable nor practical in any way unless I’m willing to sacrifice my back and comfort for the sake of the OR.

The issue now, what am I going to specialize in then? Probably pediatrics but that’s for another post on a different day. 

Anyhow, I had my first physiotherapy session today of many to come to help me manage the pain and strengthen my back muscles to prevent the condition from further deterioration. Al7amdillah 3la kol 7al :-)

قال الله تعالى فى كتابه الكريم
وعسى أن تكرهوا شيئاً وهو خيرٌ لكم ..
وعسى أن تحبوا شيئاً وهو شرٌ لكم ..
والله يعلم وأنتم لا تعلمون

Bits and pieces…

- My back is killing me. It started off as a minor backache during the summer when I was doing my surgical training at KFAFH. In Ramadan it started becoming more frequent and increased in intensity. Now with the grueling work load ever since college started again I find myself unable to make it through the day. My daily activities are limited and it’s scaring me as hell because as all physicians do, I think of the worst. This is very frightening especially when considering the fact that I want to become a surgeon and back pain is the last thing I want or need! I had an MRI and X-Rays done today and I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Inshallah everything’s just fine and I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

- I’m already stressing over the large  percentage this year is going to count for out of the entire GPA. I have to be on top of my game and for many reasons, I just can’t seem to study as I would love to but hopefully things will change in the near future.

- I have gained weight! Now this is truly depressing lol I mean 5 kilos is not a small number!

- Artophilia is a talent show that is going to be held at King Abdul Aziz University hospital on the 28th and 29th of October in which various creations of doctors and medical, dentistry and allied medical sciences students will be displayed. It will include painting, photography and poetry. I was invited to join and I sent a couple of poems to be featured :) Feel free to drop by if you want.

- October is the breast Cancer Awareness Month and there are countless activities and campaigns going on all over Jeddah to support the cause and spread awareness among the residents here. Unfortunately I’m not involved in any of the campaigns in spite of my own wishes but I sure encourage you to go and learn about this killing disease that can be prevented and treated if caught early.

- October is also the month in which my sister and my mother are born ;) So happy birthdays to two wonderful women. May they grace my life with their presence forever.

- The American presidential elections are just around the corner. I suppose I’ll write a special detailed post about this since I am one of the dedicated observers of this elections ever since it first started when the parties were trying to nominate a candidate each.

- Hmm… I’m sure I got more things to say but it’s getting late and I need to sleep so I can wake up early and check on my patients before we do the morning rounds!

Zombie

I close my eyes and I think just before I sleep
Wouldn’t be wonderful to be someone else?
To know what it’s like to be able to breathe
Without having to despise myself
 
I contemplate suicide for the hundredth time
But it’s too selfish of an act to execute
I can’t control the thoughts in my mind
So I resort to what makes me feel better, self abuse
 
I imagine myself dead in a car crash
The pictures in my head give me some relief
They’re like stains that cannot be washed
Monsters in my head that refuse to leave
 
I break the mirror with my bare fist
The pain and blood bring me back to life
I smile and I think of slitting open my wrist
Unconsciously I run and grab the sharpest knife
 
But I know that I probably won’t succeed
I’m too much of a coward to go though with it
So I make a small cut and watch myself bleed
Maybe I won’t feel like a zombie if only for a minute

تقول أحبك

“أحبك” تقولها بكل بساطة

تقولها كأنما قالتها ألف مرة من قبل

وأشعر بقلبي يهتز بين أضلعي

وأرتبك ولا أعرف ما العمل

أأقول أحبك أيضاَ ؟

أم أقول شكراً على مشاعرك النبيلة ؟

يالها من عبارة مبتذلة

لكني لا أستطيع قول أحبك فهي كلمة جليلة

أخاف من حبها

أخاف من هجر اختبرته مع غيرها

أعرف أني جبان وأن خوفي لا مبرر له

لكني أرى شرها وأتجاهل خيرها

ليس فينا أحد كامل

لكني أضع العدسة المكبرة على العيوب الصغيرة

فالوحدة مؤلمة لكنها أسهل من الحب

لقد خاطرت بقلبي مرة وقررت أنها الأخيرة

أختلق الأعذار الواهية

فتبكي وتحرق أصابعي دموعها عندما أجففها

هل أنا الملام ؟ هل أنا قاسي المشاعر؟

هل كلماتي تزيد آلامها أم تخففها؟

ما الخطأ وما الصواب ؟

رباه لو كان بإمكاني معرفة المستقبل

أسعادتي أم تعاستي تكمن في هذه اللحظة ؟

إلهي يا عالماً بما في الصدور عليك أتوكل

“أنا لست مستعداً بعد

أنا لست الشخص الذي تتمنين

ولست بكاذب إن أخبرتك أن في تركي مصلحتك

فانا أحبك لكن ليس كما تستحقين…”

One More Year!

I look back and I can’t believe how those last 5 years passed by. I guess time flies, doesn’t it? I’m still exhausted from these last few days with the accident and everything but Alhamdillah it’s all good now. I’m excited and I’m ready. I want to get this year over with! It’s been a very long journey! It’s been wonderful and it’s been tiring and it’s been a lot of things. I just hope and pray that I graduate as one of the top students of my class. It’d be such a shame if I couldn’t achieve that. This is Do or Die time as I always say. I’ll pour my heart and soul into these 10 months and God willing I’ll get what I worked hard for. Everything else can wait. I’m a man with a mission now and when I set my mind on something, I go and get it. Hopefully I get to finish my second story this year too! It just depends on the space of mind and time.

I wish all of you an amazing year filled with achievements and pleasures academically, professionally and personally. And now here we go !

The Most Frightening Day of My Life

“Hassan! Hassan!” my sister, Sara, yelled at her mobile phone before shrieking at me, “Turn the car around now. Hassan got into a car accident. He’s saying the car flipped over a couple of times. They’re right after Dahban.” The words hit me like a thousand bullets. “What happened?” I asked, trying not to panic. “I don’t know. He hung up.” Sara replied. “Oh God, be kind,” I mumbled as my eyes searched for the nearest U-turn. My cousin, Fahd, was trying to calm me down when he himself, clearly, wasn’t calm. “Slow down, Bassem. Inshallah Khair. They’re going to be fine,” he kept repeating over and over again. My heartbeats were going faster than the speed of the car. “Rakan! How’s Rakan?” I asked knowing that no one was able to answer me.

 

We were going back home from Al-Dorra on Friday afternoon. Hassan and Rakan were riding in Rakan’s car while Sara, Fahd and his sister, Ghadeer were with me.

 

“That’s the car,” Sara screamed when she saw the wreck across the highway. “Rakan’s lying down on the ground. Rakan’s lying down on the ground,” she said and broke down into tears. I had lost my self-control by then and I started speeding as fast I thought I could. We had called the Red Crescent and they told us that they had just sent an ambulance to the scene of the crash. It did not take us more than five minutes to go over Dahban’s bridge and reach the site of the accident but it seemed as if they lasted for ages.

 

I parked the car and ran barefoot to where Hassan was. My heart flinched at the appearance of Rakan’s car. It was nearly leveled to the ground. All the windows were broken and the tires were twisted. Parts of the car and some of Hassan and Rakan’s belongings scattered on the side of the highway. Hassan had blood all over his hands and he was screaming hysterically. “Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine Inshallah,” I told him as I helped him to get inside the ambulance that had arrived a few seconds ago. They had laid Rakan on the gurney and put him inside. I wanted to get in and go with them but I had to drive my car. “Where are you taking them?” I asked the paramedic. “King Fahd General Hospital,” he said. I ran back to my car. The police officer at the scene stopped me and asked me a few questions that I did not pay much attention for but I remembered later. I took Hassan and Rakan’s wallets from him, jumped into my car, and started chasing the ambulance.

 

Sara called my parents and told them the horrifying news. She informed our uncles and cousins and everyone started reaching for their connections. Hassan called and told us that Rakan had lost consciousness and that they were going to Al-Slam hospital now because it the nearest hospital. My mother contacted The King Fahd Armed Forces Hospital and requested that they send an ambulance immediately to Al-Slam hospital. We were all praying and begging for the mercy and kindness of Allah. All I could think of was that this is not the time to break down. Keep it together and be strong. I must be strong. The road had never felt so long before.

 

At Al-Slam Hospital’s ER, my parents, all of our uncles and our aunt were waiting in addition to Hassan’s friends. The doctors fussed over Rakan while I remained with Hassan who was screaming uncontrollably, “Rakan, help Rakan.” The doctors had to give some Valium to Hassan in order to get him to calm down because they were unable to even look at his wounds or insert an IV cannula. “Leave me here and go with Rakan. Go take care of him,” Hassan yelled at me a few times. The KFAFH ambulance came less than five minutes after our arrival. They took Rakan because he was the one who seemed to be more dangerously injured while we took Hassan in Dad’s car. We broke a couple of traffic lights before arriving at the hospital.

 

Inside, Rakan’s father was waiting because we had called him and told him to head there as fast as possible because his son had been in a car accident. We were rushing Hassan in on a wheelchair when he threw himself on the floor telling us to ignore him and go save Rakan.

 

Hassan was seen by a couple of physicians and an initial survey of his wounds were made then he was sent to Radiology for multiple X-Rays and CT Scan of the head to rule out fractures and internal injuries. Rakan had an entire team of doctors working over him trying to resuscitate him and bring back his consciousness. He underwent more extensive investigations than Hassan did. After a few horrendous hours, the results were out. Neither Hassan nor Rakan sustained life-threatening injuries and they only suffer from hair fractures that do not require treatment and superficial lacerations and multiple contusions all over their bodies.

 

Rakan, however, did not regain his consciousness and he had slipped into a low grade coma. He was transferred to the ICU then for further investigations and better monitoring of his condition. I remained at the hospital when it was after midnight while most of the others had gone home. Hassan’s friend Khaled came back to stay with him which gave me the chance to keep going back and forth between his room and Rakan’s room in the ICU. His father was there reading Qur’an the entire night and speaking to him. All of us had tried speaking to him during the evening in hopes of boosting his brain cells to work fully again. My mother came back at 2 a.m. after a 3 hours break at our house. Realizing that there was nothing more I could do, I listened to my mother’s advice and I left the hospital at 3:30. I didn’t go home directly because I knew I could not sleep. I just kept driving around Jeddah while talking to a good friend of mine. I got back home just before dawn and I still was not able to sleep. I prayed Al-Fajr and asked God with all my heart that he bestows Rakan with health and relieves the ache of his family and ours.

 

Still awake, I switched open my laptop and started searching for the etiology and management of coma. Foolishly thinking that maybe there’s something that the doctors did not pay attention for or that I could figure out something they did not. After an hour of futile searches and a great sense of uselessness, I finally fell asleep.

 

I returned to the hospital at 11 in the morning. Hassan was doing much better although he required two more doses of Valium to keep him from thinking too much about Rakan and the accident. Rakan had shown some motor responses but he still did not open his eyes or say anything. Late afternoon as we were all drowning in our thoughts and prayers, Hassan’s mobile phone rang. He told us it was Rakan speaking.

 

After a minute of disbelief and amazement, we realized what this meant. I ran out of Hassan’s room to the ICU. When I entered the room and saw that Rakan had his eyes wide open and he greeted me, I fell to the ground and I started weeping. I collected my composure for a few seconds in which I exchanged a few words with Rakan telling him how happy I am to see him. People were waiting in line to see him so I exited the room and outside the ICU I started crying again like I have never cried in my life because for the very first time, they were tears of joy.

Hassan is back home today Alhamdellah and he’s doing much better. Rakan had been transferred from the ICU to a regular room and if he can pull himself together, he should be leaving the hospital in a few days Inshallah. Their bodies are sore all over but that’s expected.

 

Thank you to everyone who had said a prayer for either of them. To anyone who took the time to visit, to call, to ask, to worry, to think and just hope that they make it through.

 

Hassan and Rakan, I love you both. The words might sound pale in comparison to their deep and sincere meaning. I love you two to death, literally. I would give up my life for either of you instantly without hesitation because my life without you in it has no value. You have graced my world with your presence and I hope that I get to have you around for a very long time Inshallah.

 

Don’t you ever scare me again the way you did! I’ll never forgive you!

 

I think I can finally have a good night sleep.

 

Al7amdellah Rab Al3almen.