Category Archives: Layla

I stared at the closed door for a few minutes trying to comprehend what I had just heard. I waited for Layla to open up and come back laughing to tell me it is just a cruel joke but that never happened. I called her mobile but it was turned off. I did not want to call her house number or ring the doorbell in case someone else was inside the house. I did not know what to do then. I stayed in front of her house a few more minutes then decided to leave before any of her parents comes home and sees me.   

I pushed whatever thoughts and questions I had into the back of my mind. I did not want to deal with anything at that moment. I called my friend Abdurrahman and asked him for the keys to his family’s villa at Al-Durra. “Are you Ok? You don’t sound fine. What happened? And why do you want to go there?” he asked me. I did not feel like explaining anything so I told him that we would talk later but for now I just want the keys and that I will pass by his house in half an hour to take them.        

I took the keys and the ownership card and headed to Al-Durra. On the way, I had the car’s windows down with the wind blasting in my face and the stereo turned up so high I could not hear my own thoughts. It was rather odd that I would go there in the middle of the week and alone, too. Abdurrahman’s puzzlement had its justification. I do not even know why I was going there in the first place. It is not something I had ever done before but at that time I had this urge to be completely isolated and for some reason, Abdurrahman’s villa was what came to my mind.

The moment I reached the villa, I took off my shoes and headed to the beach. The sun was setting and it was starting to get dark outside and clearly, it was going to be a cold night even though it was nearly summer time. The entire beach was deserted and the only sound you could hear was of the wind and the sea waves. I looked at my mobile to check if Layla had called but she had not. I sent my mother a message telling her that I might be late tonight. I rolled up my jeans and took a few steps into the freezing water. I felt alive as the coldness moved from my feet up into my whole body. I walked around the beach for a while before I lied on the sand. I put on my iPod headphones and closed my eyes. After half an hour or so, I fell asleep.   

A couple of hours later, I woke up to the feeling of my mobile vibrating in my pocket. For a second, I did not realize where I was or what I was doing then it all came back to me. Just as I had hoped for and expected, it was Layla calling. 

“Hey,” she said. “Hey,” I said and waited for her to start the conversation. “Where are you? It doesn’t sound like you’re home,” she inquired. “I’m at Abdurrahman’s villa in Al-Durra.” “What are you doing there?” she asked, sounding puzzled. “To tell you the truth, I have no idea. I think I just felt like I needed to go someplace where I can be by myself.” She did not say anything for a while so I said, “It’s really beautiful out here tonight. You can actually see the stars shining in the sky. I wish you were here.” I sensed she had smiled and we remained silent for a minute or two.          

“Listen, I’m sorry. Are you upset?” she finally said. “No I’m not, I guess it’s ok. How can I be upset at something I don’t understand? What did you mean when you said we shouldn’t keep seeing each other?” “It’s something I’ve been thinking about for some time now. I almost made up my mind but I was waiting for the right time and trying to figure out the right way to tell you.” I did not comment and she continued after a pause, “Of course I wasn’t going to tell you now in the middle of your finals. I thought it’s best if I waited for the summer.” It all sounded too familiar for me and I hated her for that. I had a flash back from a few years ago when Dalia told me we were no longer right for each other. Is this how she is trying to let me know she is leaving me? I was squeezing the sand in my hand as hard as I could. “So is this goodbye?” I asked with impatience. “For now, not forever,” she said.         

I was confused then. “What do you mean?” I asked. “I mean that we shouldn’t keep seeing each other but it doesn’t mean I stopped loving you. I really wish that one day we could get married and share a life together. I want us to be together but I want to do it the right way. Ever since that day at your room when we made love the first time, I’ve been feeling a tremendous amount of guilt and it all just keeps accumulating and bottling up inside of me. I just can’t pretend it doesn’t exist and I can’t sweep it under the carpet like I used to. Every time you touch me I can’t help feeling a little bit of guilt added up to the pile and I hear a voice in my head telling me I’m ought to stop and that I shouldn’t be doing this but my desire always wins and I find myself giving in for you. Moreover, even I, sometimes like today, can’t stop myself from wanting you. I can’t control the way I feel when we’re so close to each other. I’m not that strong.

What we’re doing is not right and you know that. God is watching us all the time and as hard as I try to ignore that thought, sometimes in the middle of the night it’s so dominating that I find myself begging for His forgiveness and promising Him that I will stop what I’m doing and going to be good again. However, the next morning when I see you, all the promises and pleas just disappear. We can’t make it without God’s blessing you know. We need to acknowledge that what we are doing is wrong and try to make it right. It’s never too late and I’m sure He’ll forgive us if we’re truly remorseful. We should stop and be good. Don’t you agree?” She sounded like she was going to cry and her voice had a plea for me to agree. “Tell me why suddenly you’re feeling this guilt? What’s the difference between yesterday and today? I do agree with what you just had said but I need to know more, to understand.” 

“It’s not suddenly. I told you I always felt this guilt but I could always hide it deep inside and not think about it but today when we were in the car and that officer caught us, I felt my heart sink down to my knees. I found myself thinking, why oh why did I have to start this? I was scared as hell of what might happen. I feared for me, for you and for our future. What would’ve happened if that officer didn’t let us go? Have you thought about that? I have and it’s terrifying. In addition to the obvious troubles we would get in, my parents would find out about us in the most disgraceful way and they would learn about what we’ve been doing. Where would I hide from them then? And how on earth could you come to our house to ask for my hand in marriage and hold your head up high in front of them? And even if they agreed to you, they’d always resent you deep within and they will never look at me the same again. I want them to treat you with the respect you deserve. I want them to look at you as a son they have gained and I want them to love you like I do. If, god forbid, that officer was someone else there’s no telling what would’ve happened.        

It’s enough how bad I feel for hiding everything about us from my parents. You have no idea how happy I was when you met Yasser. At least, my sister and brother knows you personally and I can’t wait for the day I could tell my parents that this is the man I love but you know them, it has be done the proper way. Listen, I’m sorry if you misunderstood me but I barley had time to think clearly myself and in my heart I believe this is the right thing to do.” She stopped and took a deep breath then sighed.

“I’m really surprised you hadn’t brought up any of this before. You know I’d understand,” I said because I did understand. I myself struggled with the same issues. I carried the burden of being aware that what we were doing was a major sin and that God was watching us. I did not want to share that burden with Layla however. I just kept it to myself and pushed it away as hard as I could. All along, she struggled too. I knew how hard it was for her to hide our relationship from her parents. I was lucky enough that both of my parents knew about us while hers did not. I was lost in my own thoughts for a couple of minutes then I asked, “So, what should we do then?” “I’m not sure but we can’t see each other. I don’t think I feel good even about simply going out on a date anymore. What do you think?”

“How about we don’t see each other but at least let us talk over the phone. I have two more exams and then it’s the summer and you’re probably going away as usual. So can I see you once before you go? Then after you come back, we’ll see what happens. Hopefully on the final week of the vacation before school starts, I’ll bring my parents and we’ll come visit you at your house, how about that?”

I heard her gasp. “Are you serious?” Her voice was high pitched and excited. “Why not? It seems like the perfect timing. You’d be a graduate and even though I still have two more years to go, families tend to give medical students a break. I know we had said that at we’d get engaged the end of my 5th year but I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t do it before that. I trust that you’d say yes and not embarrass me and my parents by saying no,” I joked and she said, “I love you. I don’t know what else to say.” “I love you too. You do know that’s why I’m marrying you to begin with! I believe my parents will be thrilled when I tell them I want to get engaged because God knows they want me to get married as quickly as possible I don’t know why. The trick remains in convincing your parents but I think I’m a decent candidate and good enough for you.” “If my parents even said that I need to think about it I will tell them I don’t need to think about anything but I’m sure they’ll adore you. How could they not! If their daughter loves you and my genes come from them, at least they’ll like you!” We laughed and it felt good and pure. The summer had turned into a waiting period for us until the day we’re engaged. The future was bright and filled with the promise of happiness.        
I finished my exams and got an overall grade of a B+. Layla graduated with a GPA of 4.4, which she was upset about since it was so close to an A but still impressive nonetheless. I saw her on the night prior to her departure and we had a good time. She had brought along a cheesecake that she had made herself at home and I thought that was very sweet of her. Even though we asked the waiter at Casper to put it in the refrigerator the moment we got in there, it was too late to save it and it had already melted. We still ate it and it was the best cheesecake any of us ever had. 

When Layla came back at the end of the summer, we agreed to meet at Osaka on Monday. I tried to call her Sunday night but her mobile was turned off. Her mobile remained closed through out Monday too and I started to get worried. I sensed something was wrong but did not know what. I decided that the best thing I could do was wait. Tuesday morning Layla called me using a calling card. The moment I heard her voice I knew that something bad had happened. I barely understood what she was trying to tell me because she was choking on her tears. “My dad found out about us,” she said.

Excluding the 35-minute rides to college on the mornings of Layla’s exams, it has been over a month since she and I have last spent time together. It was the end of the school year and we were both busy studying hard in order to do well in our finals. Layla, especially, was putting an extra effort since it was her senior year and she wanted to raise her GPA. 

On the day of her last exam, I dropped her off to college then went to Dunkin’ Donuts where I waited until she called and said she was done. When I went to get her, I found out that her friend, Rana, was coming along with us. I looked at Layla with questioning eyes and she said that we are all going to Ruby Tuesday since we have not tried it yet and that the rest of the guys and girls are already there. Layla sensed my slight discomfort at this. I had missed Layla so much and I would rather spend the day just her and me. She smiled apologetically and promised that we would not stay long and that she would make it up to me.           

Everyone at the table was done with their exams except for me and my friend Abdurrahman. Festive moods are contagious, however, since I left feeling more cheerful after the small celebration we had in the place. Abdurrahman had spilled his entire Pepsi by mistake on his shirt and jeans and we could not stop laughing. The manager had to come and ask us to lower our voices twice since we were annoying the other customers. We stayed there for over an hour before we excused ourselves and left. I asked Layla if she wanted go somewhere particular but she said let us just stay in the car and drive around. I did not mind that at all.       

During the course of our relationship, we had spent countless hours in my car. It felt like our own small moving haven. True there were always people and cars around us but still we felt like it was just the two of us. No one could hear us speak. No one could see our fingers entwined together. No one can make us separate. I always wondered if one day I would have enough courage to sell it and get a new car after all the memories it had witnessed.   

“So, how does it feel like to be a graduate?” I asked. “Well, technically, I still didn’t graduate and I want to see my grades first before I start celebrating properly. Overall, it feels good but a little bit scary I guess. It’s like soon I’d have to worry about a job and a career. Not that you’d know anything about that anytime soon,” she said jokingly. It felt weird that Layla has already graduated when I still had two more years to go, not to mention the internship year in which you are not a student anymore yet you are not an employed doctor. That is the problem with med school. Everyone seems to graduate before you and get a head start on life. Everyone seems to get a job before you, travel abroad for post graduation studies before you, be engaged and have children before you, and you cannot help feeling cheated sometimes. “But you know what the positive side about your graduation is?” I asked then continued not waiting for an answer, “Is that you’ll be getting a job soon and so for the next couple of years until I graduate you’ll be spending most of the money you’ll earn on me! I, naturally, expect more expensive gifts from now on!” I laughed. “Oh what a wild fantasy that is! Keep dreaming mister! That money is mine! But I would loan you some from time to time,” she said and laughed.      

About an hour later, we were still driving aimlessly around. We were in Obhor not too far from my house when I felt Layla’s hand brushing softly on my inner thigh and making its way up slowly. I grinned but gently removed her hand. “Layla, we can’t. You’ll get us in an accident this way.” She ignored me and put her hand where it was again then brought herself closer to me. “Don’t you want to touch me?” she whispered into my ears seductively. I felt my entire body shiver with desire. The truth was that I longed to touch her and every part of my body ached for hers. It has been a while. We could not go to either my house or hers since her sister and my brother were done with their exams and were staying home now.  

“We never did it in the car before,” Layla whispered again. I was finding it increasingly hard to control myself and my resistance was getting weaker. “We can’t. What if we get caught?” I said. “We won’t. Look around. There’s no one in sight and not even cars are passing by and the possibility of getting caught will make it even more thrilling. Come on. Let’s do something wild. It’ll be amazing.” She then kissed me and said, “I miss you.”      

“OK. Just let me find a good place to park,” I said. My heart felt like it was going to burst any moment from all the adrenaline and desire. I parked my car behind a big tree. Layla took off her Abaya and brought down the passenger seat to the lowest position. I made my way on top of her and we started kissing. We were so lost in our own world of pleasure that we did not pay attention to anything outside the margins of the car. I froze dead in my place when I heard the distinctive horn of a police car.   

“Shit! Shit! This can’t be happening,” I said as I returned to my seat quickly. I was having flashbacks from the time my dad caught us in my room a long time ago. Fate is indeed ironic. I was not sure we would get away with it as we did then. The police car stopped a few meters behind mine. I thanked god for the black sunscreen I had blocking up the back window and I hoped the police officer could not see what was going on inside clearly. Layla covered herself with her Abaya and I hid her bra under my seat. “What are we going to do?” Layla asked panicky. “Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine. Just no matter what, don’t get out of the car and never say your real name. Play along if I said anything.”           

I straightened my shirt and got out of the car just as the officer was getting out of his. “Hello, officer,” I said trying to hide the fear in my voice. He did not bother to greet me back. “We got a call that a car was parked here, obviously yours, and that something suspicious was taking place inside of it, you and the woman.” I was amazed by their quick response if what he said was true. I do not think someone reporting a murder would have had a similar fast response. I also got livid at the clear disrespect in his tone when he said, “The woman.” I swallowed my anger then I cursed myself silently. How was I foolish enough to do such a stupid thing? Of course, someone would spot us and evidently report us. No one in this country will leave you alone. “I’m afraid that would be a mistake, officer. Me and my cousin here were just having a conversation,” I said and the second the words came out of my mouth, I regretted saying them. I was not thinking clearly and in my head that sounded like the smartest thing I could say but when I heard the words out loud I realized how stupid and fake they really sounded. “Your cousin you say?” the officer said in a sarcastic tone then said, “Then why were you in a parked car behind a tree in a deserted place? I guess you’ll have to explain that to the religious police.” He headed to his car. “Wait. Wait,” I called after him. “It doesn’t need to get that far, officer,” I said. “Son, you think you can lie to me? I know what was going on here. This is not the first time I encounter such a thing and to tell you the truth, what bothers me the most is that you stand there and think you can lie to me about it,” he said.           

“Ok. I’m sorry. I apologize. I panicked and I didn’t know what to say. She’s not my cousin. She’s my fiancée,” I said. “And that would be the truth?” he asked doubtingly looking into my eyes. “Yes. I swear. We’re both wearing our engagement rings. We’ve been engaged for a couple of months now. This is my mobile. Here. You can call my father or mother and they’ll confirm this to you. You can call my fiancée’s parents too if you don’t believe me,” I said it with as much conviction as I could muster. I knew it was a big risk to take but I hoped it works out. The officer stood there silently for a minute contemplating what to do.          

“And we weren’t doing anything. We were just talking I assure you. We just came here because we’re not supposed to see each other before the wedding. You understand how it is. We just wanted to see each other and talk. I apologize for not telling you this from the start.” I do not remember what I also said but I sensed that he was inclining towards letting us go. Just then, however, Layla got out of the car and approached us. “Please officer let us go. Nothing happened,” she said. “Maryam, get back in the car now, please,” I almost yelled at her intentionally using another name. She turned around and got back in the car.     

“Officer, I’m wiling to take full responsibility here. I’m sure both of our parents will tell you the same things I just told you but I’d prefer if she wasn’t involved. Where would I hide my face from her parents then? Please spare her and her family the embarrassment. Do whatever you see fit,” I said. “Give me your ID, your driving license and car registration papers.” I gave him my ID and went to get the rest from the car. When I opened the door, Layla asked me. “What’s going on? I’m afraid” “I don’t know. Just wait. And didn’t I tell you not to get out of the car?” I raised my voice at her. I got what he asked for and gave it to him. He went inside the patrol car and started writing things on a notebook. A couple of minutes later, he emerged and gave me back my papers. “What’s your mobile number?” he asked me. I was surprised but I gave it to him nonetheless and he wrote it with the rest of the information.  

“I have all your information here. I’ll let you go this time but you have to come down to the station and sign a statement regarding this incident so this way we’d know if you ever were involved in another similar one again. I’ll call you some time in the next couple of days. The girl’s name will not be mentioned. Don’t worry. Now go before I change my mind.” I could not believe my ears. I uttered a thank you and got back to the car. “What? What?” Layla asked me. “He’s letting us go free,” I said. “Just like that?” “No. I’ll have to sign a statement about this in the police station but don’t worry you’re not going to be involved in anyway,” I said. I was feeling relief that this somehow passed over but I was slightly mad at Layla and myself for putting us in this situation to begin with. “I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s ok. I’m sorry too. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Don’t think about it anymore. It passed.” “Take me home please,” she said. She had tears in her eyes from the moment she got out of the car to speak to the officer and she could not stop crying silently all the way to her house. I tried comforting her but to no avail.

When we finally reached her house, I kissed her forehead. “Enough already, dear. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Nothing happened,” I said. She did not say anything and got out of the car but as she was closing the door, she stopped for a second then said, “I’m sorry but I don’t think we should keep seeing each other anymore. I’m sorry.” She closed the door and ran inside the house.

Yasser Hashem. There are not many people in our social circle who have not heard of this name. Yasser, who is a year younger than Layla, has always been regarded as one of the most handsome men in Jeddah ever since an early age. He used to go out all the time and make his presence known everywhere especially in the private beaches during the weekends. All of that took place while he was having an ongoing relationship with a girl named Amal who was also regarded as one of the most beautiful girls in Jeddah. Their relationship was considered high profile among the young crowds and they were easily recognized wherever they went. Everyone knew about them, shared gossip about them, loved them and envied them. They seemed like the perfect couple. The couple you only see in movies but never in real life. They had met during their last year of high school and they were in love. Their relationship took its first blow when he was accepted into Aramco’s academic program. He had to leave Jeddah to Shargiyah for a year and then go to study Industrial Engineering abroad in Birmingham, UK for four years.  

During the first year, they managed to keep their relationship almost the same way it has always been. He came to Jeddah every other weekend and somehow was always around. The crack in the relationship started getting too wide though when he finally left to Birmingham. They tried to keep a distant relationship but it was nearly impossible. Amal was sad and upset most of the time and because UK was not close and vacations were not many not to mention the expensive airline tickets, Yasser came to Jeddah only twice during his first year there. In the second year’s Christmas break he came back only to find out that Amal was engaged. Layla described to me how her brother broke down then. Amal had been avoiding him for a while before that, not answering his calls or emails. Her close friends were avoiding him too and he had sensed something was wrong but he never expected it to be of that severity.

A week after his return, Amal finally answered one of his multiple calls and tried to explain why she did what she did. She told him that this guy proposed to her while he was away and she refused to meet him the first time. The guy was persistent and tried again after some time and her mother sat down and talked to her. Amal told Yasser that he still has a long way to go. More than three years until he graduates all of which he is going to be spending outside the kingdom and she just could not cope with that. It was too much for her to take. Not to mention that after he graduates, he will be assigned to one of Aramco’s hellholes, as it tends to do for its new employees. It would take them at least four years before they can settle down with one another and she just could not wait and stand the torture that long. She told him she loved him but it was time for her to think with her brain rather than her heart. This suitor, however, was ready, an architect planning to get his masters in Canada. She met him and she felt good about him. A couple of weeks later they were engaged and they set a wedding date.  

That night, Layla told me, she saw Yasser crying for the first time in his adult life. He went to their parents and asked that they let him propose to Amal. He would not take no for an answer and so the next day their mother called Amal’s mother and explained the situation to her. Her mother was kind enough to say she understood and knew most of the story but that the girl is already engaged and what God has written has been done and there is nothing they can do now. Yasser turned into an emotional mess for the rest of that short vacation before he returned to UK even though Layla and their parents insisted that he does not but he said it is easier to be there where there are not as many memories and reminders.  

Men react in different ways to heartbreaks. Some seclude themselves and drown themselves in sorrow while others try to go on with their lives as if nothing has happened and most think in order to achieve that they have to go out with as many girls as possible, which was what Yasser did. In the beginning, apparently, he believed all girls to be unfaithful liars so he took revenge on a few and broke their hearts mercilessly. After some time however, he stopped doing that and simply continued meeting all the girls he could meet. He was well known among the Saudi students in Birmingham and London and when he came for the summer vacation in Jeddah, that summer was his open season. He went through girls as fast as he could and quickly developed a reputation of being a player. Most girls however did not mind that and agreed to go out with him whenever he asked them if they were not the ones asking to begin with.  

With that background, Layla and I were confused regarding how Yasser would react to our relationship. We had no idea if he would welcome it, if he would reject it and insist on its termination or if he would be indifferent which was what we had expected and hoped for actually. We discussed at length how our relationship should be introduced to him. We wanted to be the first ones to tell him before he hears about it from someone else.    

On the third day after his return to Jeddah, Layla told him. They were both up late after watching a movie and he seemed in a good mood. She told me at first he appeared calm and indifferent like we expected but after a while he got interested and started asking many questions about the relationship, its beginning, its nature and most importantly, about me. Somehow, Layla managed to persuade him into agreeing to meet me the next day.

“Hello, Yasser. I’m Khalid, pleased to meet you,” I said and extended my hand. He appeared to consider whether he wanted to extend his and shake mine or not but after a few seconds he shook it and nodded with his head. They were already inside when I arrived at Apple Bee’s. I took a seat across the table sitting opposite them. Layla gave me an encouraging smile that I appreciated. Yasser began speaking and it was obvious who was going to lead the conversation that day.    

He asked us when and how we met, what has been going on ever since and what our plans are. He also put me under what felt like an interrogation. He inquired about my family, my past and me personally. He wanted to know what I am doing now, what I want to do in the future and what my intentions with his sister are. He also asked many other questions I do not exactly remember now. I managed to make him laugh a few times during the two hours we stayed there so it broke the tension a little bit. After I paid the bill, he told me he was going to ask around about me and that we will be sitting one on one just me and him in a couple of days. I said I do not mind and told him it was a pleasure to meet him again. This time he said, “Likewise.” It was a minor relief for me. Layla and I left with half smiles on our faces. 

Indeed, a few days later, Yasser called me and asked me to meet him at Wox cafe at 8 o’clock if I could. I said sure and went there on time. Layla had told me that on the night I first met him, Yasser had said, “Khalid looks like a good guy.” Fifteen minutes later Yasser showed up and apologized for being late and I said it is fine.  

“Now let’s talk seriously. When Layla first told me that there was someone in her life, I wasn’t really surprised. I guess it’s kind of expected and natural especially these days. Show me a girl that doesn’t have a boyfriend of some sorts and I’d give you a thousand riyals! Anyhow, I had known about Rami before so at first I was skeptical about meeting you. You see, I never liked Rami. Don’t ask me why. It’s not because he was a bad person or anything like that but for some unexplained reason I just didn’t like him. Sometimes you can’t help the way you feel and as upset as I was when he hurt Layla and cheated on her, I was somewhat pleased their relationship ended. You, on the other hand, I liked you even before I met you when Layla told me that it was you who brought up the idea of meeting me in the first place. That’s rather brave and I respect it. Rami never suggested such a thing and when I did he actually stalled for some time,” Yasser said.           

“Well, it’s because Layla has met my sister and my brother before many times and I have met Lama, whom I adore, many times too. I felt something was missing and that you had to be included in the picture especially that the parents aren’t, for now that is,” I said.  

“When I met you that day you appeared to me as a decent man who genuinely cares for my sister. You’re very well-put together, respectful and apparently sincere. All of which are qualities I appreciate but I wasn’t going to make a judgment based on that only. I had to learn more. I’m pleased that you’re Rima’s cousin. I love that girl! True, she pulls many crazy stunts and drags my little sister with her into her madness but she’s a very sweet person and they love each other. Lama loves you too obviously. She thinks the world of you. 

I started asking around about you and frankly, no one had anything to say except the best about you. However, do you know who the person that sealed the deal for me and made me welcome this relationship? Mazin Abdul Kareem. Do you know him?” he asked. I recognized the name rather immediately. Mazin was one of my sister’s best friends during high school before ties were slowly loosened until they ceased to exist when he headed to Egypt for college after he dropped out following a year in KFUPM. “Wow! The world is so small indeed. How an earth do you know Mazin? He used to be a good friend of my sister a long time ago.”

“We actually went to high school together but we bonded during my year in Shargiyah. I then went to Birmingham but he dropped out and went to Egypt. We kept in touch though and we still see each other every time we’re in Jeddah. When I asked him if he has heard of you, he instantly recognized your name. You know, he actually said great things about you. I rarely see Mazin speak with such admiration of another guy. I explained the situation to him and he assured me that I should be thankful it is you who’s involved with my sister.”

“I don’t know what to say. I feel like I need to thank him or something,” I said. Yasser smiled then turned serious and said, “I just want you to know, if you ever hurt my sister in any way, I will hurt you and God is my witness so please, be good to Layla.” “You don’t ever have to worry about that. I will take care of your sister very well. I give you my word. She’s in good hands. She’s in my heart.” We stayed there for a while chatting about random topics like the English league before he said he had to go back home. When we were heading for our cars, he said, “You know what? How about you, me, Layla, Lama and your sister and brother all go out together one night before I leave to Birmingham again?” “Yeah, sure. That would be nice,” I said. 

When I got into my car, I immediately dialed Layla’s number and informed her of everything Yasser and I talked about. She was worried sick of how this meeting would turn out. “I think he’s ready to accept you as a part of our family now,” she said.

“What? When? Are you sure? I see. No, it’s ok. Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for letting me know,” I said then hung up the phone. Layla and I were having lunch in Chili’s on a Saturday a few weeks after our anniversary. She had a questioning look in her eyes while I was talking on the phone. “Who was that?” she asked me. “That was Bashar. He told me that this morning Dalia announced she was engaged to Amro last Thursday. His cousin, Noha, called and informed him. I must say that’s a little bit unexpected though.” “Why? They have been together for nearly two years now if I’m not mistaken, right? It’s natural,” she commented. “Well, I have a confession to make,” I said then paused for a few seconds.       

“When you were away in Egypt during the summer, Dalia called me. She said the reason why she called was to say she was sorry that I lost my grandma and to offer her condolences but after we talked for some time, she admitted she had another reason to call. She asked me for a second chance.” I stopped to observe how Layla reacts to that. Strangely, she appeared calm and nonchalant. I continued and told her the rest of that phone conversation. She did not say a word while I was speaking. She was just looking at me in a funny way. “I’m sorry. I meant to tell you about it before but I thought it might upset you so I didn’t,” I said. She sat there in silence for a couple of minutes. I was surprised when she finally looked into my eyes and smiled.      

“You know what? I’m not mad and I’m not even upset. I guess it’s ok. It doesn’t really matter. I knew when we first started going out that you weren’t completely over Dalia but I figured with time you’d be. I thought I could help speed up the process too but I guess everything must take its course. During the last year, sometimes I wondered in the back of my mind if you loved me as a substitute to Dalia. Sometimes I feared I was only a faint image of what you had and could have had with her. One time I actually almost cried at night. I never told you this before. Remember when I was in your room a couple of months ago and I was going through your books and found that small surgery book that she gave you? She wrote, “Whenever you study this book, think of me,” and drew a small heart on the first page. She gave it to you two years before you actually needed to have it. This year, I saw that you were actually studying from it. When I asked you about the writing, you just said, “Oh, Dalia gave me this book a couple of years ago. I only needed it recently.” You said it like it’s nothing. I told myself it’s nothing. Still, I don’t know why, that night I couldn’t sleep and I nearly had tears in my eyes because of a question that never occurred to me before, What if she called one day and asked him for a second chance? Literally, that was the question. I was terrified that I couldn’t convince myself that you’d tell her no and you’d stay with me.      

The next morning I called you and we went out like we usually do and I decided I’d never bring up that night. Mainly because I felt silly and weak and because I didn’t want you to think I didn’t have faith in you or us. Somehow, I didn’t torture myself with that question again. I just told myself you’d always choose me over her. I’m sorry my belief in that wasn’t complete but I decided I’d take the chance anyway. Now I’m actually glad I never have to wonder again. I never have to worry about her again. I wish her a good life away from you and me.” She said her words in a calm voice but I could easily feel something was trembling beneath them.  

“I’m sorry. I never knew you felt this way. You should’ve told me instead of going through these questions alone. I would’ve assured you a long time ago that my heart belongs to you only.” I reached and took her hands in mine. “Never doubt that,” I told her.     

“Let me tell you something, I have loved Rami but I was over him sooner than I thought was possible, I managed to learn how to move on and just live my life without him. I never brought him up in conversations with you, not in the beginning at least. You, on the other hand, talked awfully much of how heart-broken you were. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mind it then. It was just a little more than I would have preferred. You know what? I believe that a woman’s heart breaks easier than a man’s but it heals faster.           

I know it. I could be wrong but that is what I have observed among most of the people around me. A guy could and would lie, play around and even cheat and it’s rather uncommon that he falls truly in love with someone but if he does, then it’s usually forever and it takes him a long time to just be able to move on if that girl he loved betrayed him or left him. He might meet a dozen other girls after her but she’d always be that one whom he let down his guard for and loved. And even though girls don’t usually lie, play around or cheat like guys do, they tend to fall in love quicker, and because their hearts are more fragile, they get broken much easier but somehow, they usually manage to get back on their feet and seek love again.        

I can tell now you’re finally over Dalia. She would be no more than a very small part of your memory and a non-existence in the life you and I are going to lead together. Now even if Dalia had problems with Amro in their relationship, which really doesn’t concern me, they must have worked them out or she just decided to settle down for him. Why bother wonder, anyhow? But you know what? I’d like to call her. Give me your mobile.”      

I opened my eyes in disbelief. “What? Why?” I asked cautiously. “I just want to congratulate her, that’s all,” she answered. She reached out her hand and nodded her head. I gave her the mobile. She took it, searched for Dalia’s name and dialed her number. She had never spoken to Dalia before and she saw her only twice by accident during the last year. 

“Hello. Dalia? This is Layla Hashem, Khalid’s wife in case you didn’t know. I heard that you got engaged over the weekend. That’s wonderful. I just want to congratulate you and wish you a happy life, hopefully, away from my man and me if you don’t mind. He told me about your little phone call in the summer and I don’t appreciate it but it doesn’t matter now, does it? Anyhow, congratulations again and may you find the happiness I have found. Goodbye.” She simply hung up the phone after that.      

I sat there speechless. I did not know what to say. “That was amazing,” I blurted after a while and laughed. She smiled at me and said, “I’m going to delete her number now from your mobile and all related contacts if it’s ok with you. There’s no reason to keep any of them anymore.” It is strange that as I watched Layla delete Dalia from my phone memory I felt that Dalia has been deleted completely from my life once and for all. I smiled and raised Layla’s hand to my lips and kissed it gently.     

“But you’re not getting off the hook that easy Mr.!” she pointed out seconds later. “You’re going to do something for me. We have discussed this before and you promised me you would do it whenever I felt it was the right time. Well, I think it’s the right time. I think you should meet Yasser when he comes home from Birmingham for Christmas break.” Yasser is Layla’s brother.

“There’s just no rhyme or reason…

Only this sense of completion…

And in your eyes I see the missing pieces I’m searching for…

“Yes?” I heard Layla’s voice coming from the intercom of her house after I rang the bell. “Guess who?” I replied. “What took you so long? And why didn’t you call instead of ringing the bell like this? You scared me. I’m a little bit nervous,” she said in an anxious voice. “Don’t be. I’m only ten minutes late because I forgot something and had to go back home for it. Anyhow, get down. I’m waiting.” “Just a minute.”        

I was standing in front of the house holding a bouquet of flowers in my hand when Layla opened the door. A dozen lilies, which Layla loves, with a couple of red roses look more beautiful than what you would imagine. I stepped in and said good morning. “This is for you. I’m sorry I’m late but having these done took longer than I expected.” I handed her the flowers and she gave me a gentle kiss. “Thank you,” she said. She pointed towards a large suitcase sitting in front of the inner wooden door and said, “That’s what I’m taking.” “Don’t you think it’s a little bit too much for a weekend? What do you have in there? Your entire wardrobe?” I asked. “Stuff!” she replied. “Hopefully all the lingerie I didn’t see yet.” I winked at her. She blushed and said playfully, “You’ll see.”    

It was Wednesday around 10 a.m. and the weather was perfect for the beach. The sun was up and blazing hot but there was this slight breeze in the air. I loaded her suitcase into my car and we headed towards Al-Durra. We had told our parents that we were going to be spending the entire weekend there with our friends. Of course, our close friends knew about that lie so they could cover up for us just in case of the unlikely event that our parents decided to check up on us.           

I had begged my friend, Abdurrahman, to lend me his private villa at Al-Durra for that weekend. He agreed after I told him why I needed it. I came once during the previous week and gave Ameen, the Pakistani man who takes care of the villa, a 100 Riyals and asked him to clean it thoroughly before the weekend.

The road was smooth and we sang along to the songs on the radio with the windows rolled down. When we reached the villa, Ameen was waiting for us and helped us carry our bags into the living room. After he left, we took a quick tour around the place and unpacked a few things. I asked Layla, “What do you think?” “It’s very nice. I think we’ll have a great weekend, starting from now.” She then took off her Abaya and changed into her swimsuit.

There were only a few kids with a maid on the beach when we first got into the water but half an hour later, a group of guys came and disturbed our peace. They would not stop staring and making comments about us. I wanted to say something about it to them but Layla would not let me because she thought antagonizing them would only push them to annoy us more. Luckily, a couple of girls showed up after some time and the guys completely forgot about us and turned their attention to the new comers.            

At night, we just stayed in and watched a couple of sitcoms then a movie during which Layla fell asleep in my arms half an hour before it ended. I carried her to the bed and lied next to her. I do not remember when I fell asleep but I remember we both had smiles on our faces.

“Wake up, sleepyhead!” I opened my eyes slightly to recognize Layla lying next to me trying to wake me up. “Come on. I made you breakfast,” she said. She kissed me on the cheek then jumped off the bed. I yawned then I lifted my head and sat up straight. After a minute, I yelled, “Breakfast! I knew I forgot to bring something!” I hit my forehead with my palm then continued, “I wanted to make you pancakes and bring it you in bed just like the movies.” Layla laughed and said, “It’s ok. I wanted to make you something sophisticated too but I looked around the place and couldn’t find any ingredients. The breakfast I made you is a bowel of milk and cornflakes.” “Thank you,” I said. I went to the bathroom, washed my face, and headed to the kitchen table. Layla was sitting wearing the t-shirt I had on last night. I went to her and hugged her. “You know, I could get used to this,” I whispered into her ear.

“Listen, I got you something and I hope you like it. I had intended on giving it to you Friday morning before we leave but I figured I’d give it to you now especially since our friends are coming over tonight,” I said to Layla late afternoon. We had invited many of our friends to come and join us on Thursday night. We had brought board games, playing cards and asked them to bring along anything fun they wanted. We were going to celebrate our anniversary with everyone but we insisted that no one brings us gifts of any kind. The cake, beverages and the big stereo would be more than enough we told them.           

About a month ago, I purchased a diamond solitaire ring to give to Layla as our anniversary present. It cost me 4000 Riyals half of which I saved over the last couple of months while the other half was a loan from my mother. I was worried I would get the ring’s size wrong so while Layla was away I went into her house since I had the keys to the outer doors and to her room and I took a ring from her jewelry box and asked the jeweler to adjust the ring I bought to that size. I thought it was very beautiful and would only look more beautiful on Layla’s delicate hand.  

I took the small wrapped box out of my pocket and put it on the living room’s table. “What’s that?” she asked. “Open it up, please,” I said. She took it and opened it slowly. “Oh my god, it’s beautiful! You really didn’t have to. This is too much,” she said but I could tell she was happy with it. I was glad and proud. “Happy anniversary dear,” I said and kissed her. I took her hand in mine then. “Would you let me do the honor?” I asked. She nodded her head. I took the ring and gently placed it in her right ring finger. “Now everyone can know that you’re spoken for,” I said then kissed her forehead. “I love you,” I told her. “I love you more than you know,” she said. 

“Let me bring you your gift. I’m sure you’ll love it,” she said. She came back with a red box that had a small teddy bear on top. Inside the box, there were three things. The first was a photo album that contains many of our pictures together in addition to many of hers ever since she was a baby. The second thing was a red boxer. The third was a book. The cover was of the sun setting on a beach. “They Were in Love,” the title read. I looked at Layla with a questioning look so she took the book, opened the index page and pointed at my name printed there. “My friend’s uncle works in a publishing company and she told me they were publishing a poems’ book about lost love all of which are written by various young poets. She had read some of yours before and thought they were very good. Therefore, I took some of them and sent it to her uncle who picked two to be included here. This all happened two months ago but I wanted to wait till now to tell you. I know you’ve always wanted to have your poems published and now you are officially a published writer,” she said. “You are one of a kind, do you know that? That’s why I love you. Who else would’ve thought of this? This is amazing. I couldn’t ask for a better gift. Thank you.” I hugged her.        

At night, we had a small celebration. Layla kept the ring on and showed it to everyone. I did the same with her gifts. Many of our friends came and we had a great time. One of the rather unexpected yet wonderful results of that evening is that my friend and the owner of the villa, Abdurrahman, ended up marrying Layla’s friend, Rana, only a year later.      

Friday morning as we were packing to leave so we can go home, Layla asked, “What if my parents saw the ring? What would I say?” “Well, don’t wear it around the house. It’s as simple as that. It’s your mother you should be slightly concerned about but not your father. He probably won’t even notice you’re wearing a ring. Only wear it when you go out. Unless you don’t want it then I could return it,” I joked. “Oh, you’re so funny!” she said and hit my arm lightly with her fist. I took her in my arms and started tickling her until we both fell on the nearest sofa laughing.

Even though we had many anniversaries in the years to follow, that anniversary will always remain in my heart as the most special one of all. It was the first time we watched a sunset together, the first time we went to a beach together, the first time we slept a night next to each other and the first time we woke up in the morning next to each other. The ring, the photo album and the book that contains my poems will always serve as simple reminders of what a magical time we had then and how young and crazy in love we were. We thought we were invincible. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that weekend.

It was Monday and Layla was supposed to return from Egypt after two days. I kept trying to call her that day and the night before but her mobile was turned off for some reason. I was watching TV in my room in the afternoon when my sister, Noor, came in and asked me if I wanted to go to Starbucks. I had nothing else to do so I said, “Sure.” I changed my clothes and we headed to Starbucks Ice Land.   

When our orders were ready, we went upstairs. I almost dropped the Caramel Macchiato I was carrying when I saw Layla sitting there on the big black sofa at the far end. I could not believe my eyes. “Layla! You little devil! Why didn’t you tell me you were back?” I nearly shouted. I put the beverage on the counter and headed towards her and she jumped on me. We hugged and we turned around a couple of times then we just stood there staring into each other’s eyes. A few seconds later, my sister cleared her throat in attempt to draw our attention that she was still there but we were well aware of her presence otherwise we would have kissed since the place was empty at that time.         

“When did you get back?” I asked. “Last night. I didn’t know if I should tell you beforehand or not. I had found out only a week ago that I’d be coming back three days earlier than I told you but after some thinking, I decided I’d surprise you and here I am.” “It’s probably the most wonderful surprise I ever got my whole life,” I said then I turned to Noor and asked her, “And you were a part of her scheme! Since when did you know about this?” I then mimicked her voice, “I’m bored. How about we go to Starbucks and have coffee!” Then I continued, “I had no idea! You both had me fooled! Good job I must say. I was wondering why your mobile was turned off since last night,” I said. “Well, now you know,” Layla said.

We stayed there for two hours talking and exchanging stories that happened in each other’s absence, not that there was much to share since we chatted online almost every day and called each other every couple of days. Layla had to leave since she had a family gathering to attend. Saying goodbye was very hard though. I had missed her so much I was not even close to being satisfied with these short two hours we just spent together. I craved more time with her but she was leaving to Makkah the next day and staying there until Friday night. We were holding hands the entire time we were there and letting go of her warm small delicate hand that day was the hardest thing I had to do in a while.           

Sunday of the following week we met at Stake & Bake early in the morning and spent a wonderful five hours together of which we were alone for two before some of our friends joined us. That was enough to keep me going until Wednesday. The new school year was going to start on Saturday. We were going to spend the weekend before that at Al-Durra, her and me. Friday was going to be September 7, the anniversary of the first time we met.     

——————–

[Rima is calling you] I looked at my mobile phone’s screen while it played “All the Small Things.” It was Wednesday last summer and I was on my way back home form Jarir after purchasing some books. Rima is my favorite cousin. She is four years younger than I am but we always got along really well. “Helloooo,” I replied cheerfully. “Where are you, Dr. Dangerous?” she asked. She keeps coming up with similar names to call me all the time. “I’m on my way home. Why are you asking?” “Because I see you! I mean I see your car. We’re two cars behind you.” “Where are you going?” “I’m going to Second Cup with Lama and her sister. Want to come along? I’m sure they won’t mind.” I thought about it a little. I had met Lama many times before since she was one of my cousins’ best friends but I had never met her older sister, Layla.      

I had nothing better to do so I agreed and we met there. They had already gotten in while I took some time as I parked my car and headed upstairs. I cannot deny that I was speechless when I saw Layla for the first time. She was very beautiful. Her dark long hair scattered around her face in endless waves. She had the largest hazel eyes I have ever had the pleasure of looking into. She had small lips that astounded me. She also had the small figure I always preferred in a girl. The girls you could fit in your pocket as my sister liked to call them. I had the strange sensation that I had seen her somewhere before but I could not pin where and when exactly so I put that thought aside for the time being.      

“You must be Khalid. I’ve heard so much about you. It’s nice to finally meet you,” she said and extended her hand towards me. I stood there trying to figure out what to do. Even the simple act of extending my hand and shaking hers was hard to make. After a couple of seconds, I said, “Sorry,” and shook her hand. “Yeah, you too,” was all I managed to add. 

After we ordered and sat down, I relaxed and used my strongest weapon and defense mechanism; humor. I was nervous and in order not to show that I made many jokes not to mention my sudden desperate need to impress this beautiful stranger. Every time I made her laugh, I relaxed more and tried to steal more glances her way. I was still a shy guy and I could not make direct eye contact so I directed my gaze toward Rima or Lama every time I noticed Layla looking at me. After a couple of hours when we were standing up to leave, I told Layla it was a pleasure to meet her. She said she felt the same and that we all should go out together again. I said sure and left with a big smile on my face     

The Wednesday of the first week of school, I took my cousin and her friend from school and Layla met us later at Apple Bee’s where we had lunch. I could not stop thinking about her the entire week before that. She took over my mind by a storm. Her laugh and sweet voice was all I kept hearing in my head. I had resisted the urge to ask Rima for Layla’s number because I thought that would be inappropriate. However, I called Rima during that week once just to ask some random questions about Layla. “You like her!” she yelled. “No, I was just wondering about some things that’s all.” “Then why did you ask me if she was single or not?” “Because most girls these days have boyfriends, not that it matters if she has one or not.” “You know you can’t fool anyone! You obviously like her. Anyhow, she had mentioned you were good looking and very funny.” “Really?” I almost jumped in my place. “Yup. That’s why I don’t think she would mind if I suggested we go have lunch this Wednesday. What do you say?” “I love you, have I ever told you that? And I’m paying!” “Since you offered! I’ll call you later and tell you what we decide.” I thanked her and hung up.       

“You used to walk in Al-Mamsha behind the Hilton! You dyed your hair blonde for a month or so too!” I was telling a story when Layla interrupted me with her revelation of where we had seen each other before. “Ever since I saw you that day I’ve been wondering where I have seen you before and now I just remembered! My friend and I used to think you were cute! After you dyed your hair black again that is.” I looked at her and then I remembered too. “Yeah! I remember you now too. I’ve been wondering myself where have I seen you before but I didn’t recognize you without the sunglasses and Tarha,” I said. “I had to cover my hair. You know how some guys there act and I didn’t want to get harassed more than I had to.” “You know there were a couple of times when I walked behind you and your friend staring in the eyes of anyone giving you a dirty look or throwing a stupid remark.” “That’s sweet of you. Too bad we didn’t’ notice.” “What happened then? You suddenly stopped coming to Al-Mamsha.” “”Well I first started going there to accompany my friend who wanted to lose some weight and after she did, we didn’t feel the need to go there anymore. What about you? Do you still go?” “Yeah sometimes, not as often though. It hasn’t been the same ever since you stopped coming.” Just then, somebody kicked my leg underneath the table and I figured it was probably Rima since she had a funny grin on her face when I looked at her.

When the bill came, I volunteered to pay it like I promised and after reluctance, they agreed to let me pay this time on the condition that the next time they would pay. I do not think I could have hoped for a better result or a better time that day.    

A month passed before I saw Layla for the third time. My sister came along too and we went to Benihana and had a great time. Just as we were leaving, I managed to muster enough courage to ask Layla for her number. I did not know what to expect but I prepared myself for rejection anyhow. I was very pleased though when she looked at me and said sure with a smile. I called her a couple of days later and we talked for an hour before we went to sleep. We started talking almost daily since then.           

Five weeks later, I asked her out on our first official date where it would be just the two of us. I had seen her once during these weeks with my cousin and Lama but now we wanted to be alone. On a Saturday, I picked her up from college and we headed for Black & White. We were both somewhat nervous at the beginning as she got into my car for the first time but the presence of Winnie the Pooh hanging form the rearview mirror alongside The Incredibles figures I had scattered around the car gave us a good topic to waste time on until we reached the restaurant. After a perfect meal and perfect three hours together, it was time for me to take her back home.        

On our way back when we were ten minutes away from her house, I turned down the radio and said, “Layla, I just want to say that I had an amazing time today. Probably one of the best days of my life and if you don’t mind, I want to make it even more perfect than it already is.” She looked at me with a questioning look in her eyes. “By doing this,” I said as I extended my right hand, took hers, and held it in mine. She did not resist. After a couple of minutes when I tried to withdraw my hand, she put her second hand on it too and said, “No, please don’t. Keep it here.” Then she paused before saying, “I don’t have to go home right now. We could be late maybe half an hour more. Drive around please.”    

For this half hour, we did not speak much. We just drove around aimlessly with the stereo playing music faintly. However, our racing heartbeats were more beautiful than any song could ever be. Sweet silence prevailed. Whatever words or thoughts we needed to share with one another then were being transmitted through our palms and intertwining fingers. Her hand fit perfectly in mine like God has created it for this purpose. I did not want to claim my hand back for now it belonged to hers but I had to when we approached her house finally. “Thank you for an absolutely wonderful day,” I said. We said goodbye and she got out of the car and into her house. A couple of minutes later, we were talking on the phone. “You know, I still feel your hand in mine,” I told her.

It has been five years since I met Dalia for the very first time. It does not feel like it has been that long since that night when we were sitting not far away from each other listening to the pianist playing on the grand white piano in the lobby of Le Meridian. It is strange how time passes by so fast and you never notice until you stop to do so. I have never reflected on the past before. I have never taken a moment to just sit and think of the decisions and choices I have made, the good and bad ones.  

I had fallen in love with Dalia. I had with all of my heart. However, not everyone is lucky enough to fall in love with the right person. I have never expected the day that I would say, “Dalia wasn’t the one for me” to come. I would never belittle the intensity of my feelings for her at the time but I could tell now that I was young and immature. There were too many factors contributing to our relationship that helped it to develop as fast and go on for as long as it did. It was never meant to last.

A couple of times I had pondered the question of whether I would have fallen in love with Dalia had she come at this time of my life instead of back then and gladly, the answer was always probably not. Now I know for sure. True, I have missed her in a way. I missed talking to her a little too especially since we used to talk over the phone for endless hours, something I do not do as much with Layla but my heart is in the right place. I love Layla for who she used to be before me, for the girl she is now and for the woman I know she will be in the future. Dalia fades in comparison and whatever feelings she might stir up in me are barely residues of the first time my heart has beaten for someone.

Most people can recognize certain events or individuals that represent turning points in their lives. Dalia is one of those turning points for me. Today I could honestly say that I am grateful for her. I am grateful for the times we had shared, the beautiful memories we had made and even the heartache she caused me. Surely, she could have dealt with her realization that we did not belong together in a better way but I have to excuse her. She was as young and immature as I was. Not to mention that at some point between Dalia and the time I met Layla I had caused unnecessary pain to a girl who did not deserve any and I learned how hard hurting someone could be.  

Two years ago, Dalia called me one summer night and broke my heart into pieces. I did not know how to deal with the pain and how to move on which lead me to waste an entire year trying to collect those little pieces. Naturally, I met a couple of girls during that period in effort to get Dalia out of my mind but it never worked. One of them was the one I had hurt. I was only numbing the pain instead of treating its cause. I avoided my emotions but with time, I discovered the ability to fix myself and found my inner strength. It sounds like a cliché saying it but it is true. Sometimes you have to get broken in order to rebuild yourself stronger and better than you were. I remember a quote I once read somewhere, “Life breaks us all. Afterwards, some are strongest at the places that were broken.”          

I grew up as a person. I developed my current character. I learned how one should deal with one’s mistakes and misfortunes in addition to good fortunes. I re-established my relationship with God and strengthened my faith. In addition, I have found Layla; my beautiful future wife and the mother of my adorable yet to be born children.     

Our first year anniversary was just around the corner, less than three weeks away. I had arranged for the whole thing. Layla was supposed to come back from Egypt after two weeks. She has been gone for too long. I missed her a lot. I was lost in my own stream of thoughts when Dalia interrupted them asking, “Are you there?” “Yes, I’m still here,” I replied. I had forgotten she was on the other end of the line. “Do you believe in second chances?” Her question was still hanging in the air between us. Heavy silence had fallen as I sailed down memory lane and lost track of myself. I knew the answer now.

“I do believe in second chances but not in this case. I’m sorry. It’s just too late for us. Do you remember a time when I begged you over and over for a second chance? That was the only time such a thing was possible but not anymore. I’m in love and this time, with the right person. She’s crazy about me too and for that I’m the luckiest man in this world. To have such an amazing person love you so much is a privilege and is nothing less than a God’s heavenly gift. You might meet her one day and I have no doubt in my mind you’d instantly see why I chose her to have my heart and be my wife. I’m not saying any of this in order to compare you to her or make you feel less of a person or anything.

I’m just telling you that to make it perfectly clear to you that we can never get back together, not now and not later. Layla is the one for me and honestly, I’m very grateful for you for everything because all of it led me to her in the end. She makes it all worth it. I hope you don’t mind me asking though, I thought you and Amro were still together?”

“Well, yes we are. It’s just I’ve been having these thoughts for some time now and I couldn’t help wondering what if. Something happened between Arwa and her boyfriend, Fahd. You’ve met him once before. Anyhow, they’re getting married next week and you remember how I used to tell you about their fights and such and how they eventually broke up. They got back together a couple of months ago and they couldn’t be happier. That’s mainly the reason. I’m confused. I keep thinking of you and Amro and I just can’t decide.”

“Then I have made it much easier for you. I’m no longer an option. True there was a time when I would have run back to you in a minute but that was a completely different person. Nevertheless, I must say it’s unfair that you’d even ask this question. It’s unfair to me and even though I don’t care, it’s unfair to Amro but I wish you the best. You need to know that I hold no grudge or bad feelings for you. As I said, I’m actually grateful for you and I do hope you’d experience the happiness I am experiencing now with Layla because your question doesn’t indicate you are. And for the record, I want to let you know that I have never spoken ill about you and I never let anyone do so in my presence because it’s not your fault what happened between us. You just didn’t know how to deal with me, not to mention I’m above that. I sure hope you do the same for me too. I have loved you truly but that was a long time ago. Take care of yourself now please.” “Thanks,” she said then paused for a second before adding, “For everything.” “You’re welcome. Now I really need to sleep because I had a long day. Goodnight.” I waited for her to say Goodnight then I hung up and went to sleep.

I dreamt about Layla.

The first Wednesday after the finals, I was having a late lunch with my family at Steakhouse. Our results were due to come out on Saturday and I was anxiously awaiting them. I had done really well in the exams; even better than what I expected myself to do. However, I was not sure my total marks would accumulate enough to grant me a passing grade in a certain subject. It was not just me; our whole class did not do well in this subject so there were rumors we might get a curve up in which they would raise each of us a few marks. I hoped I passed the other subjects but still I was not entirely sure I did. I have been extremely nervous that week with little desire to sleep, eat or go out. I needed to know that I had passed before I could relax and enjoy the vacation.

Just as we were paying our bill in preparation to leave, a friend of mine, Ahmed, called. “Hey. Where are you? What are you doing?” he asked. “I’m having lunch with my family at Steakhouse. Why?” “Well, are you ready?” “Ready for what?” I asked. “Are you calm? Are you prepared? You know, I think you should sit down for this if you’re standing.” I was puzzled and a little bit worried now. “Come on Ahmed. What is it? I’m not in the mood for your silly games.” “The results are out!” he said.

“Oh my god!” I gasped. I was not expecting them today. I shushed everyone around the table. “And? How did I do?” I asked in a trembling voice. “You passed everything. You even have a total grade of a C,” he delivered the wonderful news. For a couple of seconds, I was speechless. I just had this strange look as I was trying to comprehend what I have been told. “What? Are you sure? Don’t play with me,” I said. “Yes I’m sure. Congratulations,” he said. “YES! I PASSED!” I screamed loudly in the restaurant in a way that made everyone there think that I must have lost my mind. Then I asked him how did he do and he told me he has gotten an A. I congratulated him and told him that I am coming to college as fast as possible then I thanked him before I hung up.           

The manager had come wondering what is behind the scream so my mom informed him of the news and he kindly offered us cake and ice cream on the house. I hugged everyone then excused myself and headed to college. I could not bear to sit in the restaurant one more minute and wait for the cake because I needed to see the results with my own eyes. Most of my friends were on their way to college too.

A couple of hours later, I was aimlessly driving around in my car. I had too much adrenaline in my system to go home. All of my friends had passed and a few got good grades so we were in a festive mood. We agreed to meet at night at Friday’s to celebrate then everyone went home. We had booked a table for twenty there. I did not know what to do until then so I called a close friend of mine and asked her what she was doing. When she said she was just watching a movie I asked her if she wanted to go out and she said yes. I told her to meet me at Balsamico. She said it would take her an hour at least to get ready and get there. I continued driving around.           

“How the hell did we wind up like this? Why weren’t we able to see the signs that we missed and try to turn the table?” As soon as I heard the first verse of Nickelback’s song “Someday” on the radio I felt my chest tightening. This was one of our favorite songs Dalia and me. I was lost in a string of memories for a few minutes before I decided that my story with her needs a better ending than the current one. There were plenty of things left unsaid and just hanging on the tip of my tongue. I had a mixture of emotions trapped inside of me. I needed to get rid of my baggage because it was weighing me down. True I was moving on but I had been having the sense that I am trying to sail away while still tied to the shore. I needed to let her go for good so I can go as far as I could. I needed some form of closure.     

I dialed her number a few times but she did not answer. I sent her a message saying, “Hey. I really need to see you. It’s important. Where are you?” A few minutes later, she called. “Hey. How are you?” I asked. “Fine. You?” she responded. “I’m good. Anyhow, where are you? It doesn’t seem like you’re home.” “No, I’m not. Now what do you want?” “I need to tell you a few things.” “I’m listening.” “Oh no, this can’t be done over the phone. Tell me where you are and I’ll meet you. It won’t take long.” “There’s nothing you can’t say over the phone. Speak,” she sounded very cold but I did not let it get to me. “You know well enough that I could find you if I wanted to. So please can we get this over with?” “Fine, I’m at Casper,” she said after a pause of silence. I was slightly surprised she gave in that easily. “But I’m leaving in fifteen minutes,” she said. “Don’t worry it won’t take me five to get there.” I was lying since I was considerably far from Casper’s location but I sped until I managed to get there in ten minutes just in time to see her and Amro coming down the stairs in front of the entrance.

I parked the car, got out and stood at the end of the stairs. I noticed he was holding a wrapped box in his hands. They both looked annoyed by the sight of me. When they were down, Amro said to Dalia, “I’ll go put this in the car and wait for you.” “Oh how sweet of you getting him a present. I’m sure he deserves it,” I said then looked at Amro, “Amro, would you mind staying since this is something you need to hear too.” He reluctantly stood in his place.

“Well, I apologize for interrupting you like this but don’t worry I won’t take more than a few minutes of your precious time. This will be the last time I bother any of you. I just need to get a few things out of my chest so I can get on with my life.” It was obvious that neither one of them cared about whatever I wanted to say but they were just waiting for me to be done so they can be done with me. I continued, “Our results were out today just in case you didn’t know. I passed.” “Congratulations,” she mumbled. “It’s no thanks to you but thanks anyway.” She was looking away. “Dalia, please look into my eyes when I’m talking to you. Don’t look away or is the sight of me reminds you of your betrayal and fills you with guilt?

I have loved you, Dalia. I really have. Perhaps I still do on some level. I was willing to forgive and forget. I was willing to do anything to make us get back together and to have again what we once had but I guess we didn’t have much since it was easy for you to throw it all away. I’m not sure if you knew this even though I think you did, I was never going to be just a friend of yours. I honestly tried but I couldn’t. All the time we were supposedly friends, I was trying to win you back. I was hoping that, somehow, I could remind you of how we used to be but everything I did only served to push us further apart.         

You won’t believe how many times I blamed myself for everything that happened. You won’t believe how many times I questioned myself what have I done wrong. What was the unforgivable mistake that I must’ve made? What was it that caused you to leave? I never knew. I tormented myself for not fighting enough for you. I kept telling myself that maybe if I had tried a little bit harder I could’ve won you back. That feeling was consuming me until I came to realize that it has nothing to do with me. It’s your own choice and I’m not less of a man because you decided I’m no longer good for you.

Actually, I know I’m better than Amro. In fact, I know that I’m one of the best men you’ll ever meet in your life and deep down I think you know it too. Letting me go is one of the biggest mistakes you’ll ever make. It might not seem like it now but with time, you’ll come to realize this. I would’ve given you everything and asked for nothing in return. I would’ve given you the world and more. I don’t know if I could’ve made you happy but you know very well that I’d have gladly died trying. In my book, that’s enough. It’s too bad you’re not going to have that anymore. One day you’ll think of me and I’ll be thinking of someone else. 

See? This is my heart. Do you remember the day you had your head here and listened to its beats? Do you remember how many times you told me you loved me? Do you remember all of the promises you made to me? Do you remember our plans for the future together? Do you remember anything at all? Where have all of that gone? Tell me because I really need to know. How could you just stop loving someone? I guess all of that means nothing now.

Was it all a lie? I keep telling myself that it wasn’t but how will I ever know for sure? I can’t believe you anymore. You lied to me over and over again and I, willingly and foolishly, believed you. I denied the words of my family and my friends just for your words. I told you the first time we ever spoke; I hate lying and being lied to. You lost your credibility forever. Even if we’re to ever get back together I can never trust you. If you lie once, you’ll lie twice and if you lie in one thing, you’ll lie in another.   

You say you and Amro started going out only after we broke up. How can I ever know if that’s true? How can I know anything is true when you say it? It’s not that I think you’re a bad person. I just thought you were so much better than this. I deserve to be with someone much better than you are. 

And Amro, I don’t think you’re a bad person either. I just no longer consider you a friend because my friends have to be better than you obviously are. Don’t get me wrong now both of you. I don’t hate you at all. I simply don’t care about you anymore. I wish you neither the best nor the worst. You don’t exist as far as I’m concerned. You’ve taken enough of my money, time and emotions than you’re worth.       

Everything in life is a choice. True there are some things that are destined, which we have no control over but we choose how to deal with these things. Then we have to face the consequences of our choices whether good or bad. That’s how we learn and grow as human beings. You chose to break my heart and you chose to go out with her. I chose how to deal with that and unfortunately, I didn’t make good choices and it’s taken me an entire year to choose that I’m not going to be your victim anymore. I’m sorry if I took longer of your time than I said I would but I needed to let all of that out. Thank you for listening and I guess it’s goodbye for good now.”         They turned around without speaking a word and headed to his car.

I spoke rather quickly and in a disoriented way because I did not know exactly what it is that I wanted to say when I sent the message. I just said whatever came into my mind. I do not know if any of what I said got to them or not but it did not matter. I felt each word coming out like poison being sucked out of my veins. I was purifying myself.  I got into my car and I never looked back. I felt like an enormous weight has been lifted off my chest. I could finally breathe easy. I smiled and wiped the tear that was forming in the corner of my eye. I turned on the stereo and started singing along to Keith Urban’s “You’ll Think of Me” as I drove to Balsamico where I was supposed to meet my friend.      
“Take your memories I don’t need them… Take your space and take your reasons… You’ll think of me”

My knees could not hold me up so I sat on the near by stairs. “Are you sure it was Dalia?” I asked praying in my heart that the answer would be No. “Yes, I’m sure,” Bashar said then paused for a second before he continued, “I’ve seen them together twice this week, but I think I’ve seen them before too on the first day of school.” “First day of school?” I echoed thinking of my phone call to her that morning. “Yes. I was ordering my morning coffee as I usually do from Starbucks Le Mall when I spotted Amro and another guy with two girls wearing white coats entering the families section. I thought that one of the girls resembled Dalia a lot but I wasn’t sure so I figured I was probably wrong and dismissed the whole thought from my head.”         

He looked at me wondering if he should go on and I nodded my head yes. “Last Saturday, on my way back home, there was an accident in Al-Madinah Road so it was jammed. The traffic was moving slowly and at some point, Amro’s car came next to mine. I noticed there was a girl in a white coat with him. I looked a little bit harder and her eyes met mine. It was Dalia. Her face went pale when she recognized me. She must’ve told Amro then to move as far away from my car as possible because he started changing lanes then entered the service road and after a while I lost them. I called her then but she didn’t answer. I dialed her number again and again until she finally did. She tried to explain but I didn’t give her the chance. I just told her that she needed to speak with you and tell you all about this before I do. I didn’t want to be the one delivering the hurtful news.”          

He continued, “She told me she would and then I hung up. Today this morning I was supposed to meet Nada, Bashar’s girlfriend at the time, at Vertigo. I noticed Amro’s car parked in front of the place so I went in and looked for them. They were sitting next to each other laughing about something. I went up to her and asked her if she had told you. She panicked and said she was waiting for the right time. I told her that I had no choice but to tell you and she begged me not to. I almost hit Amro then and there but I just gave me him a disgusted look and left. I’m sorry but I thought you should know.” I tried to comprehend what all of this meant but I could not. I had storms in my mind and my heart. Finally, I said, “Bashar please take me home, I’m not sure I could drive myself.”       

Later that night, I finally summoned the courage to call Dalia. “I spoke with Bashar today,” was the first thing I said in a trembling voice when she answered. “What did he tell you?” “Why didn’t you tell me about Amro?” I asked. “First, I didn’t tell you anything because there’s nothing to tell. We’re just friends, nothing more. Second, and I’m sorry to say this, it’s none of your business who I go out with or who my friends are.” “But he’s my friend before you ever knew him. It’s through me you’ve met! Don’t you think you owe it to me to tell me at least?” “Well, I have thought of telling you since he’s your friend and all but I didn’t want you to think that because Bashar saw us I did, because I have nothing to hide.” “Then why did you beg him not to tell me about you and Amro?” “I didn’t do such a thing. He’s lying.” I believed her. I believed her and convinced myself that Bashar was making up stuff.

“Is he the reason you suddenly decided we’re no longer right for each other?” I wondered afraid of the answer. “Are you deaf? I just told you we’re just friends. The first time we’ve gone out was the day I came back from Paris. His brother is Maha’s boyfriend so when we all went out, he came. Other people came, too. We’re a big group of friends and we like to hang out together.” “But Bashar saw you alone with him twice last week.” “Well, the first time, my driver was late so Amro kindly offered to take me back home. The second, we were waiting for the rest to come.” “So what now? You’re going to continue going out with this group?” “Of course I will. We all get along so well and we have a great time. Why shouldn’t I?” “Don’t you think it’s weird that you’re going out with Amro?” “No, I don’t think so. We’re enjoying our time and we’ve become good friends.” “What if I asked you to please stop seeing him?”

“I’m sorry I can’t do that.” “But he’s my friend!” I exclaimed. “So what? We’re not doing anything wrong. I’m fine with it and he seems fine with it too. It doesn’t matter if he’s your friend or not. If you’re upset because he’s a guy, Well. He could’ve been anyone. It just happened it was Amro.” “What do you mean? Are you implying that you may become more than friends now?” “You never know,” she said. “Come on Dalia, please!” “I told you everything I had to. Now what do you want?” “Nothing.” I said goodbye and hung up.   

How can a person change so much in so little time? Just a couple of months ago she was a completely different person. Is who she was my own imagination’s creation? Why is she being this cold? Why does she seem so indifferent about me? I do not understand. I was lost in my thoughts for a few minutes before I decided I should call Amro.          

For a whole hour, I got Waiting every time I called his number. I called Dalia again and got Waiting too. Finally, when he answered I said, “I see that you and Dalia are getting your stories straight together. I’ve been getting waiting for over an hour now from both of you.” He did not respond. “What’s going on between you and Dalia? Tell me the truth,” I asked. He answered all of my questions the same way Dalia had, more or less. There was no point asking him anymore so I just said, “Amro, I’m going to ask you to do something for me and I pray to God that you don’t refuse.” “Ask,” he said. “Please stop seeing Dalia.”

“Please stop seeing Dalia,” I repeated my plea then continued, “I’m begging you. I have never asked you to do anything for me before, have I? Now would you do this for me?” “I’m sorry I can’t,” he said. I cannot say I was surprised but even though I anticipated that particular answer, my heart ached. “Listen, Amro, you’ve been my friend for four years now and you only know this girl for what? Five weeks? Go and find someone else. There are a thousand girls out there. It’s not like it’s hard! Just spare this one. Is that too much to ask for?” “I’m sorry,” he repeated his stupid answer. “Come on! I’ve welcomed you into my house. You’ve met my family. I’ve been a good friend for you. Why would she matter to you more? I really think I have a chance at making things right with Dalia again but it’s not going to happen with you around. Please let her go.” I’m sorry,” he said yet again. “Well, I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I’ve ever called you my friend.” I yelled at him and hung up.

That night was the night the truth finally sank in. Dalia was slipping quickly through my fingers like small grains of sands. Up until then, I have been feeling mostly disoriented and upset but now I fell into full-fledged depression. I lost my desire for food and my weight started decreasing notably. I just slept and slept wishing I would never wake up. I had no energy to go to school and I had to be dragged everyday by my family and friends. I cried many nights and I could not help feeling weak and stupid every time I did.        

A couple of weeks later from that call, I saw them together for the first time. I was on my way back home from Panino’s Palestine branch where I had lunch with a couple of friends when I noticed Amro’s car parked in front of Chili’s. I found myself parking not too far away and stepping into the restaurant. There right in front of my eyes, they were sharing a meal. Even though I knew about them and even though I had anticipated and dreaded this day, I was not prepared for the sight of them so close to each other laughing their hearts out on some meaningless joke probably.  

Amro spotted me first and almost choked on his food. He nodded to Dalia and she turned to face me. Her face went pale the same way I expect it did when Bashar saw them that day. I turned around and headed to my car. Just when I was turning it on, Dalia opened the passenger’s door and got in. “Dalia, what do you want?” I asked firmly. “It’s not what you think, ok? Nada, Maha and his brother were supposed to come with us but Maha and his brother decided to go on a private date and Nada couldn’t make it so we figured we shouldn’t change our lunch plans. There’s nothing going on between us if that’s what you think.” “Dalia, what are you trying to do now? It doesn’t matter what I think. You’ve made that very clear the last time we spoke.” “No, I didn’t mean it that way. I can’t stand to see that hurt look in your eyes so full of blame like I’m betraying you.” “I’ll make sure to remember that next time I see you with him. Now go away please.” Her eyes started to tear up and I felt like a jerk for making her cry. My heart softened a little bit. “Listen, I’m sorry but you have to understand how hard it is for me to see you with him. We’ll talk later. Now would you please leave me alone? Don’t keep him waiting.” I looked away as she let herself out and headed back inside.      

My depression seemed to grow more with every passing day. The only thing that made me feel better was talking to Dalia and so I did. It was a weak and a foolish thing to do but I did not know what else to do. I decided to pretend that there is absolutely nothing going on between her and my friend even though I saw them together more often than I liked. She must have felt guilty because after a while she started talking to me and calling me too instead of only listening and receiving my calls. We agreed on remaining friends even though in my mind, every word I said and move I made were designed to help me win her back.      

The mid year finals came and I failed every single subject I had. I could not care less about studying. I am the student who never had a C my whole life was awarded many F’s all at once. The way I felt was consuming me. I thought day and night about Dalia to the point where I hated myself but still I could not help it. I found myself choking up on the smallest of things; a song on the radio that we used to sing together, the sight of a restaurant that we liked to have lunch at, our favorite TV show, and a million other things that reminded me of her. Then one day I hit rock bottom.      

I was on my way to college when I saw Dalia and Amro in his car. I was speeding and I did not pay attention to the road ahead as I stared at them. I hit the car in front of me and the air bag exploded in my face. The man whom I hit his car turned out to be good man making sure I was fine before calling the traffic police. His car was only slightly affected while mine’s was severely damaged. I was not hurt except for mild pain in my neck and a small contusion in my face with a burning sensation due to the impact of the air bag. It took us a couple of hours to finish all the paperwork. I had my car towed to the repair shop then took a taxi and went to the hospital where my mom works. She was surprised to see when me when I entered her office. I closed the door and broke down in tears.    

My mother hugged me asking me what is wrong. I told her about the accident and she said it does not matter as long as I was not hurt. I cried like a baby saying, “Why is all of this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this?” I was no longer speaking about the accident only. My mother knew all about Dalia. I did not tell her everything but she knew everything. I was always an open book especially to my mother. She knew the reason behind my misery. She assured me that everything is going to be all right. I felt foolish and weak for wasting so much time and energy on memories and things that have passed. The past is the past and should no longer matter. I am better than this. I have to be stronger than this. There is no point throwing it all away for someone who does not want it or even care. I am going to move on, I promised myself.           

I called Dalia that night and told her about my accident. She said she was sorry. I told her I no longer intended on calling her. I told her she was welcome to call me anytime and if she ever needed anything, I will be there for her but that I have to move on and put myself back together and keeping contact with her is only going to make it harder. She said she understood and wished me all the best. I hated her for that. She could not care less if we kept in touch or not.       

I started attempting to concentrate in classes. My friends helped me and gave me all of their lecture notes and workbooks. I had so much to catch up on and so little time left before the finals but I pushed myself to the extreme. My wounds were slowly healing and I felt a little bit better with every new morning. Still I needed more than my family and friends’ help. I needed divine intervention.     

A few days later, I was swimming at Al-Bilad hotel where I used to be a member of the health club. It was exactly three weeks prior to the finals. As I was getting out of the swimming pool, I heard someone speaking to me. “Leaving so soon?” the voice said. I looked around and saw a man that looked in his fifties sitting on one of the plastic chairs around the pool. It was strange that I did not notice him coming in while I was in the pool. “Yeah. I need to go home and study. The finals aren’t too far away.” “What are you studying?” he asked. “Medicine,” I replied. “Mashallah. May God help you my son.” “Yes please say a prayer for me because I need it. I’m not sure I can pass this year. I need God’s help.” “Ask him and he will. Don’t worry inshallah you’ll get what you ask and work hard for.” I headed towards him. For some reason I felt like I wanted to talk to him. He had a deep calming voice and an appearance of wisdom and friendliness. “It’s just that I’ve been through some hard times lately. I’ve had many problems and I couldn’t concentrate on studying at all. I feel like everything that could go wrong, went wrong all at once. I also just had a car accident a couple of days ago that represented the cherry on top of everything.”

“Listen, my son, I don’t know what you’re going through and I don’t claim to understand but let me tell you about myself. Three years ago, my only daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia and four months later, my wife was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. At first, I kept wondering why all of this happened to me and what have I done to deserve any of this. It was such a tough time. I struggled to accept what has been destined for my family and me. Then I found God. I wasn’t a religious person at all, I’m still not. Nevertheless, you have no idea what comfort it brings you knowing that all of this was meant to happen, that everything has a reason and that even what you might perceive as your biggest misfortunate could be your biggest blessing in disguise. I could’ve been a miserable man but I chose not to be that. I cut back on my work. I took plenty of vacations and spent much more time with my family, time that I’ve never spent before with them. Time that I would never have spent if not for what happened. My wife’s cancer has been treated and my daughter’s leukemia is in remission now. Today I can tell you without a doubt that these three years have been, albeit the hardest, the happiest times of my entire life. I have been blessed. I’m a different person than who I used to be. Regardless of what you’re going through, I assure you it’s all been written and destined for you. Allah is more merciful on us than our own mothers are. Nothing happens without a reason and God works in mysterious ways. One day you’ll look back on all of these events and you’ll understand. You may not see it now but this could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Try to find the silver lining in this dark cloud and the sun will shine through after a while. Just let God be your guide.”

I was mesmerized by this man. He spoke more eloquently than I could narrate. His words carried more wisdom and truth than I could portray. He backed his speech with verses of Al-Quran and Hadith more than I could remember. We talked for over an hour before he stood up and announced that he had to leave because he has other people to meet. I asked him if he came around often and he said he is here every day. I asked him how come I never saw him before since I too came every day but he joked and said that my eye sight must have problems. I shook his hand and thanked him. He told me everything is going to be all right and that I just need to place my faith in God. He wished me the best and walked away. Even though I kept coming to Al-Bilad hotel for many years to follow, I never saw him again.

“What’s wrong, dear?” I asked, worried. She remained silent. “Dalia, speak please.” I heard her take a deep breath then she said calmly, “Listen, Khalid, I’ve been thinking a lot lately; about us; about you and me.” She paused for a couple of seconds then continued, “And honestly, I don’t feel the same way I did before. I’m no longer sure that this is what I want, or that you are who I want.” I closed my eyes the hardest I could and tried to concentrate in order to comprehend what I was hearing. She kept going, “Something has changed. I don’t know if it’s you or if it’s me. It’s just not the same anymore.”          

Her words penetrated me like bullets. I was in disbelief. I was lost for words. I finally managed to formulate a “What?” that came out barely audible. “I’m sorry. Please try to understand. I’ve been having these thoughts in my head for a while now and I tried to dismiss them but they just won’t go away. I can’t help the way I’m feeling. You and I don’t feel right like we used to,” she said. “I don’t understand,” I said. She just shrugged and did not say anything. “May I ask why? What’s the reason for this sudden epiphany? What happened to make you change your mind like this, to make you feel like this? Was it something I did or said? Because if that’s so, I’m truly sorry. You know I never meant it.” “No, no. It’s not sudden. I told you I’ve had these thoughts for some time now. It’s nothing that you have said or done in particular but rather a big mix of many small things.” I was feeling utterly annoyed with the emotionless tone of her voice. She was like a news broadcaster delivering some horrible news but without it having any effect on her whatsoever like it did not concern her. Plainly explaining to me why she no longer wants to be with me.

“But then why didn’t you tell me the first time you felt this way? Maybe we could’ve worked things out,” I asked her. “This was something I needed to figure out on my own.” “So, now what? That’s it? You don’t love me anymore. It doesn’t matter that you have said you do only a couple of hours ago. You just pressed a button in you and everything simply disappeared?” “It’s not like that. I still love you but that’s not enough. What’s the point? I need something different from what you can offer me. I’ve come to realize that you’re not the one for me.” “Don’t you think it took you a little bit too long to realize that? Or is three years the equivalent of three days in your mind or something?” I was getting angry and frustrated. “Still not three years yet,” she pointed. I opened my eyes in disbelief! Is this the response she has? “Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake. Two years and eight months. I apologize,” I raised my voice at her.

“You don’t have to yell or get angry and please don’t be mean. Don’t you think I already feel as guilty as hell? It’s not easy on me too. This is not something I want to do.” Then don’t!” I exclaimed. “But I have to. So we don’t waste more time with each other than we already had.” “What? Waste more time? That was what we had? A waste of time?” “I’m sorry. That came out wrong. You know what I mean. We had some great times together and shared many beautiful memories but we can’t have more.” “What if I don’t want to accept this? What if I’m not going to play my role and go away? I’m not ready to let you go this easily. I love you. What can I do to make you see that and realize that what you’re doing is a mistake?” “Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do.” “So you’re calling me just to inform me of your decision because your mind is obviously made up.” “True. I believe this is what’s best for both of us,” she said. “What’s best for both of us? Are you serious? You obviously didn’t think much of me when you made this decision.” It was too much for me to grasp. There was no way this could be happening. This is all just a stupid nightmare.        

She then said, “I meant to tell you sooner but I thought it’s best to wait till now since I’m leaving tomorrow. This way we both could have a break from each other. We need some time to think and figure out things.” “But I never asked for a break or time to figure out things. What’s wrong with you?” “We’ll talk when I get back. It’s only a month or so.” “I still don’t understand. Now what?” “Now we both go to sleep and we’ll talk when I get back, ok? Goodnight.” “Have a safe trip,” I said. It felt like a stupid thing to say but I guess I was in shock and did not know what else to say. She said goodbye and hung up. Of course, I could not sleep. The next night, I waited for her in the airport and saw her with her family entering the terminal. I do not know if she knew I was there or not.        

The best term to describe what I was going through the following month is denial. I felt kind of empty and sad because Dalia was not here but not to a great degree. I kept assuring myself that this is just a phase, something we will pass through. I told myself that the minute she comes back everything will be fixed and we will go back to the way we were before. I still did not know what prompted her to act that way but I reasoned that I could easily talk her out of such nonsense. I mean I love her. She knows that better than anyone else does. Why would she decide to end things so suddenly and unexpectedly? I remember at some point during that phone conversation, I felt like this was happening to someone else, not to me, not to us. Dalia loves me and everything will be just fine between us when she comes back, I assured myself for the millionth time.         

On the first day of the new school year, I called her early in the morning. She did not call me as she said she would when she comes back. She did not answer the first time so I called her again after a few minutes. “Hey,” she said. I smiled when I heard her voice. “Wait,” she told me. There was a lot of noise and laughter wherever she was that she had to go to somewhere a little bit quieter. “Good morning,” I said. “Good morning.” “Where are you? What’s all this noise?” I asked. She giggled and said, “It’s nothing. I’m at Starbucks with some friends. Anyways, how are you?” “I’m not fine. I miss you. When did you come back? Why didn’t you call me?” “I came back like five days ago. Sorry I meant to call you but I’ve been busy. Yeah I missed you too.” She said the last part of her sentence in a friendly way yet it did not sound sincere. “Dalia, I truly missed you. This passing month didn’t change a thing about the way I feel for you. It has been like hell without you.” She did not say anything so I continued, “I love you. That’s my best argument. Why don’t you give us a second chance? If more space is what you want then it’s fine but we don’t have to cut things off like this. I mean you came back and didn’t even bother to call me.”       

“Listen, Khalid, please don’t make this harder than it has to be for both of us. You’re obviously still hung over me and didn’t move on. I think it’s best if we didn’t speak for some time.” I could not believe what I was hearing. “What do you mean still didn’t move on. I don’t want to move on and of course I didn’t move on! It’s been only a month! Why do you say it like it’s something I should be ashamed of? Why are you being this cold?” “I’m sorry. I really have to go but I’m worried about you. We’ll talk later. Bye,” she said and hung up.    

During the first couple of weeks of school, everyone noticed how disoriented and upset I have become. I am usually a cheerful loud personality always laughing and making jokes so it was unfamiliar that they see me at the back of the class with my head down most of the time. I did not tell anyone anything though. I was a man with a mission now. Win Dalia back. I convinced myself that there is no way she could forget everything we shared just like that. I believed that by some effort on my side, she would see the mistake she has made and she will change her mind back. I made up excuses to call her and talk to her for a couple of minutes every now and then.   

A month later, I was feeling progression or so it seemed. I thought that my plan was working and I felt slightly better. Then one of my best friends, Bashar, took me aside one morning and asked me, “What’s going on between you and Dalia?” “What do you mean?” “When was the last time you saw her or spoke to her? Are you speaking to begin with?” he asked me. “Of course we’re speaking. I talked to her just last night,” I replied. “That Bitch!” he said. I thought I misheard the word at first but looking into Bashar’s expression, I knew he meant it. “Hey! Watch your mouth and be careful what you say,” I yelled at him. “I take it she didn’t tell you then,” he said. “Tell me what?” I was puzzled now. “I saw her with Amro not once but twice this last week.” “Amro who?” I asked. “Amro, your friend Amro,” he told me. I felt like the world was falling below me.