We sat in silence next to each other on my bed, not a word spoken. Nothing heard but the faint sound of music coming from the stereo and the rhythmic sounds of our breaths. Shoulder to shoulder I could feel the warmth of her body. Her skin was glowing. Her sweet scent was lingering in the air. It was filling the room, the sheets, the bed cover, the pillows and even me. I reached for her left hand and took it in between both of mine. I caressed it gently with my right thumb trying to install some comfort into her shaken soul at the moment. Her right hand held the white bed sheet up against her chest. Her silky brown hair fell on her back and I wanted to move my fingers through it and stroke it but I did not know if I should.
We sat in silence. We were afraid of looking into each other’s eyes. We kept looking around the room inspecting the objects surrounding us. The wooden door locked while the purple bear that served as a key chain, which she had gotten me as a gift a couple of months ago, was dangling below the door handle. The closet, the TV stand, which also bore the stereo that will not stop playing, the book shelves, the desk on top of which lied the bouquet of white lilies I had bought for her that morning before I picked her up from her house. The big window with the curtains slightly opened letting small rays of sunlight into the room and the nightstand with her bra hanging helplessly on its far edge. On the floor, my discarded jeans, my yellow t-shirt, her sky blue blouse and short black skirt were staring at me. I could not see where her bottom underwear was so I guessed it was somewhere within the crumpled bed cover that has been thrown to the floor while we were making love.
Words would have failed me had I tried to describe what happened between us. It was awkward but it was beautiful. It was pleasure mixed with pain. It was a journey that I didn’t have a map for. There were tears and laughter. There were fears and hopes. We ascended into another world beyond the limited margins of our earthly space. We lost tack of time. Entwined in each other’s bodies I had shown her I loved her. For a few moments then, we were one. Body and soul, we were one.
What we did not anticipate was the enormous amount of guilt that engulfed us not too long after we finished while we were still lying in each other’s arms. It came over like a hurricane that took us by surprise. We broke free. I put on my boxers and she lifted the bed sheet to cover herself.
We sat in silence. I felt an urge to apologize, to tell her that I was sorry. I yearned to hold her again. I longed to kiss her forehead, her cheeks, her eyelids, the tip of her nose, her ears, her chin, her lips and her entire body all over again. I wanted to put her head on my chest so that she can listen to my heartbeats and hear them pronounce her name. I needed to whisper I Love You into her ears over and over again until it reaches the deepest corner of her being. She must have no doubt about the way I feel about her, about us and about what had happened. It was magical. It was beautiful. It was the most divine experience of my life.
I lifted my head, turned around and held her gaze for a while that seemed like eternity. She was reading my soul through my eyes. She knew every word I wanted to say without me saying it. She understood. I finally said, “Layla…” She put her right index finger on my lips hushing me and letting the bed sheet slide down to her waist. She put her arms around me, brought me closer to her and rested her head on my shoulder. I held her tight as she whispered into my ears, “I know.” I felt her tears falling down on my back and shoulder.