It is 3 a.m. and I cannot go to sleep. Thoughts of you are haunting me. I lie on my bed and I close my eyes but all I see is your beautiful face and all I hear is your sweet voice. I toss and turn on the bed trying to make myself comfortable but it had turned into a hostile ground. I open my eyes and look at the other side of the bed. I imagine you lying there and it makes my heart ache. The worst thing about going to sleep is the knowledge that I will not find you next to me when I wake up. God, how empty my bed seems in the morning. How empty my life seems in the morning.
It is 3 a.m. and I am wondering what you are doing this very moment. I hope you are laughing your heart out. I miss that laugh of yours. You are a million miles away but still I can hear it in my head. I have a picture of us hanging above my bed. Do you know that? The one from our first anniversary on the beach at night when we were holding glasses pretending to drink champagne, do you remember it? Every night I look at it and it makes me smile. It is the part of day that I look forward to the most. I am here without you in a strange country in a lonely apartment but this picture makes this dark room of mine shine a little bit.
It has been four years since I have last spoken to you. I cannot believe it has been that long. Four entire years have passed by. Time sure flies. Four years that do not mean as much as a single day I have spent with you means. It is funny I still recall everything as if it happened yesterday. These memories do not abide by the laws of time and distance. The harder I try to forget, the more I remember. The further I go, the closer you seem to get.
I kept up with your news by the way. I was sorry to hear about your divorce. I honestly prayed that this man would be able to make you happy. I was also deeply saddened when I learned that your father had passed away. He was a good man and he loved you from the bottom of his heart. That, I am sure of. I meant to call or send a letter but did not know if I should. I regret the fact that I was not there for you when this happened. I know how much you loved him and how badly you must be missing him, may God rest his soul in peace.
I have news of my own too but they can wait. I have so much to say to you that I do not know where to start. I think the first thing I should say is that I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for every tear I made you cry. I am sorry for every word I said that hurt your feelings. I am sorry for every night you went to sleep upset because of something I did. I am sorry for every day I made you feel unappreciated. I am sorry for every time I made you doubt my love for you. I have been a complete jerk and I deserve the worst this world has to offer. Letting you go was the greatest mistake of my life. I have paid the price and I am still paying for it everyday. Would you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? I know that my words can never undo any of the harm I have done to you but they must mean something because I am writing this letter from the deepest corner of my soul.
Layla, nothing means anything without you. This beautiful city is ugly because you are not here. The coffee is bitter because I do not get to drink it with you. The food does not have a taste because I am not eating it with you. What good is anything without you? You are the only woman in this universe that my heart longs for. You are the only one that matters. No one else is as beautiful, intelligent or funny as you are. You were the colors of my life and ever since you were gone, it has become dark and grey.
I would understand if you said you could never love me again. I would understand if you said you did not want anything to do with me anymore. My mistakes could be too big to ever be forgiven. I just want you to know that if given the chance, I would make up for every single one. I would try my best to make you happy. I swear I will make it my purpose to please you because you deserve nothing less than that.
It is 4 a.m. now and I remember how I used to call you and wake you up from your sleep at such times just to hear your voice. Not once have you protested or said that you were too sleepy to exchange a few words with me. You tried your best to stay up but you always fell asleep on the phone in the matter of minutes. Your words would become further apart and your voice fainter. It is only soon that I would hear the steady rhythmic sound of your breaths. I never hung up immediately. I always remained on the end of the line listening to you breathing. It was more beautiful than a love song. It was sweeter than a children’s lullaby. It is no wonder I cannot go to sleep these days. I miss you.
I signed the letter then re-read it for at least ten times. I took the lighter and stared at its flame for a while. I set the paper on fire and watched it burn into ashes slowly as I laid it in the ashtray. I lit up another cigarette.